I am a "normal" girl...

 I am a "normal" girl. I grew up with an awesome mother who read me Mother Goose before bed and always made sure I was safe. I have manners, I have respect, and I always do as I am told.  I was always in the "shadow" of my older sister. My mother even told me that when I was a baby I never had to do anything because my sister always did and said things for me..(which she still does to this day) I have always been satisfied as mediocre.
 I remember my mother asking me "Don't you want to get A's and B's like your sister?"
my response being "C's are Average, Mom."
My mother trying to stay calm simply replied "Well Amy, Don't you WANT to be ABOVE average?"
"I don't mind being Average."
I never wanted to be "better" than anybody else.
  Even in sports, I was never aggressive enough, I would just hand over the ball... I guess I  was an odd duck.  I always tried to blend in, but in doing so I think I stuck out like a sore thumb. I was always wearing clothes that were too big, I was such a Tomboy trying so hard to be a "hippie". 
     My friends and I would pretend to smoke weed, or whatever we thought weed was. We would roll up regular paper, stuff it with grass, hay, more paper, whatever..and light it up and smoke it.  We pretended to get high. We would pretend to shoot ourselves up, we would pretend to hallucinate...MOST girls our age were still playing with Barbies.
      Both of us grew up to be heroin addicts. She recovered fully and will probably never do it again, although she does have an addiction to Vicodin (whether she is willing to admit that is another story) anyway, I just never really fit in. 
Then one day in high school, I realized I was kind of pretty (despite my braces) and started dressing like a girl. 
      I've always been misunderstood..I "look" like a bitch therefore, people assume I am a bitch. I can't help it if I am "pretty" and "dress nice" I shop at thrift stores and GoodWill.  I am completely humble and I don't care about much...I am probably one of the most easy going people I know. Trust me, I do have that inner psycho-bitch that EVERY girl is born with (whether you choose to harness it or not is YOUR choice ;o) ) I just don't let "her" rule my life.
      I choose my battles VERY carefully.  Plus, I refuse to argue with somebody if I know I'm right. I mean, that's all that matters is that I know the truth, I could care less wether you believe me or think the same as I do. 
     Basically what I'm saying is, I think my addiction comes from wanting to experiment and I just LOVE the feeling of being loaded.  No other reason. I had a great childhood. I wasn't molested, both my parents loved me, I never had anything traumatic happen to me...I just like being high. Period. That's it. ...and sometimes I think that's the worst kind of drug addict because there is no deeper meaning, nothing to fix or overcome..I just have to deal with NOT getting high.  
     I started this Blog because I want people to know THE REAL me.. well, atleast the "ME" inside my head when I'm alone.   I don't think people "get" me. Even my ex boyfriends say "I don't get you" and to ME that is THE WORST thing you could ever tell somebody that you are with.  It's like..if you don't "get me" why the hell are you with me? I want somebody who "GETS MEEEEE" Even just a friend.
     There is one person that I think knows me, gets me, and loves me NO MATTER WHAT and that was my friend "Olive".  She and I are on a hiatus right now due to my addiction. I completely understand, she has a family she needs to protect. I wouldn't want a drug addict around my newborn either.  I know that once I achieve sobriety we will reunite.  Which is all the more reason for me to want to recover.
     I know I can recover and become Amy again.  I just have to MAKE myself. I think having this blog is going to help.  My doctor said the more people I have depending on me to get clean, the easier it will be because it is more people I don't want to let down. Which is completely true! the worst thing to me is letting somebody down. 
     My treatment program is a little different than the average person.  I decided to go to my family doctor. <---another blog.