I have been clean for 3 days. I took 2 methadone today and I hope I don't have to take any tomorrow. My sister just booked me a flight to Clinton, Iowa, and my mom just paid off all my debt. They both worry about me more than I worry about me. So they are rushing me off to the middle of NOWHERE to get clean. They bought me a one way ticket, so I have NO idea how long I'm going to be there.
Telling me EX-boyfriend is going to be the most difficult. His response is going to be "your mom and sister are trying to keep us apart" which is probably true, but it's for the best. We are no good together. We are a modern day "Bonnie and Clyde" trouble seems to find us. I feel like I need to embellish my story about why I'm going there, and definitely lie about how long I'm going to be gone. It's ridiculous, why should it even matter? I guess I should grow some balls and tell the truth. *maybe.
The next thing I am completely stressing over is FLYING. I despise flying. Everytime I've ever flown anywhere, something has gone awry. I just hope this flight is smooooooth sailing. Plus, the fact that we are just gliding through the sky is really freaky. What the hell keeps the plane from just dropping out of the sky?
Last but not least, Iowa is evidently humid. FML. I cannot stand humidity! (I went to Florida once and was miserable the WHOLE time, even at DisneyWorld!) I have no idea how long I'll be there so what the hell am I supposed to pack? Oh yeah, and I can only bring one bag that weighs under 50 lbs. cause it's $40 extra for an additional bag.
This should be a really good thing for me, I am going to be with my dad whom I haven't seen (or talked to since today) for over 3 years. I've always really enjoyed time with my dad so I'm really glad to be with him. I hope I can talk him into coming back to Oregon with me when I do decide to come back. I just don't know what I'm gonna do once I get back here. My dad said he can hook me up with some bartending jobs, that is really cool. Plus, my moms best friend from high school owns a bar so my chances of getting a job fairly quickly are higher. =D
This will be a great get-away/stay-away for me. I need something new, different, far away. The longer I am away, the longer I will be clean. I can't wait to say I've been clean for a month, 2 months, etc. And believe me people, I will be blogging!! I'm sure there is alot to talk about in Clinton Iowa!! *sarcasm
I am going in town tomorrow. I hope I can stay strong and resist the urge to find drugs. I will remain sober! I can do this!
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
I am a "normal" girl...
I am a "normal" girl. I grew up with an awesome mother who read me Mother Goose before bed and always made sure I was safe. I have manners, I have respect, and I always do as I am told. I was always in the "shadow" of my older sister. My mother even told me that when I was a baby I never had to do anything because my sister always did and said things for me..(which she still does to this day) I have always been satisfied as mediocre.
I remember my mother asking me "Don't you want to get A's and B's like your sister?"
my response being "C's are Average, Mom."
My mother trying to stay calm simply replied "Well Amy, Don't you WANT to be ABOVE average?"
"I don't mind being Average."
I never wanted to be "better" than anybody else.
Even in sports, I was never aggressive enough, I would just hand over the ball... I guess I was an odd duck. I always tried to blend in, but in doing so I think I stuck out like a sore thumb. I was always wearing clothes that were too big, I was such a Tomboy trying so hard to be a "hippie".
My friends and I would pretend to smoke weed, or whatever we thought weed was. We would roll up regular paper, stuff it with grass, hay, more paper, whatever..and light it up and smoke it. We pretended to get high. We would pretend to shoot ourselves up, we would pretend to hallucinate...MOST girls our age were still playing with Barbies.
Both of us grew up to be heroin addicts. She recovered fully and will probably never do it again, although she does have an addiction to Vicodin (whether she is willing to admit that is another story) anyway, I just never really fit in.
Then one day in high school, I realized I was kind of pretty (despite my braces) and started dressing like a girl.
I've always been misunderstood..I "look" like a bitch therefore, people assume I am a bitch. I can't help it if I am "pretty" and "dress nice" I shop at thrift stores and GoodWill. I am completely humble and I don't care about much...I am probably one of the most easy going people I know. Trust me, I do have that inner psycho-bitch that EVERY girl is born with (whether you choose to harness it or not is YOUR choice ;o) ) I just don't let "her" rule my life.
I choose my battles VERY carefully. Plus, I refuse to argue with somebody if I know I'm right. I mean, that's all that matters is that I know the truth, I could care less wether you believe me or think the same as I do.
Basically what I'm saying is, I think my addiction comes from wanting to experiment and I just LOVE the feeling of being loaded. No other reason. I had a great childhood. I wasn't molested, both my parents loved me, I never had anything traumatic happen to me...I just like being high. Period. That's it. ...and sometimes I think that's the worst kind of drug addict because there is no deeper meaning, nothing to fix or overcome..I just have to deal with NOT getting high.
I started this Blog because I want people to know THE REAL me.. well, atleast the "ME" inside my head when I'm alone. I don't think people "get" me. Even my ex boyfriends say "I don't get you" and to ME that is THE WORST thing you could ever tell somebody that you are with. It's like..if you don't "get me" why the hell are you with me? I want somebody who "GETS MEEEEE" Even just a friend.
There is one person that I think knows me, gets me, and loves me NO MATTER WHAT and that was my friend "Olive". She and I are on a hiatus right now due to my addiction. I completely understand, she has a family she needs to protect. I wouldn't want a drug addict around my newborn either. I know that once I achieve sobriety we will reunite. Which is all the more reason for me to want to recover.
I know I can recover and become Amy again. I just have to MAKE myself. I think having this blog is going to help. My doctor said the more people I have depending on me to get clean, the easier it will be because it is more people I don't want to let down. Which is completely true! the worst thing to me is letting somebody down.
My treatment program is a little different than the average person. I decided to go to my family doctor. <---another blog.
I remember my mother asking me "Don't you want to get A's and B's like your sister?"
my response being "C's are Average, Mom."
My mother trying to stay calm simply replied "Well Amy, Don't you WANT to be ABOVE average?"
"I don't mind being Average."
I never wanted to be "better" than anybody else.
Even in sports, I was never aggressive enough, I would just hand over the ball... I guess I was an odd duck. I always tried to blend in, but in doing so I think I stuck out like a sore thumb. I was always wearing clothes that were too big, I was such a Tomboy trying so hard to be a "hippie".
My friends and I would pretend to smoke weed, or whatever we thought weed was. We would roll up regular paper, stuff it with grass, hay, more paper, whatever..and light it up and smoke it. We pretended to get high. We would pretend to shoot ourselves up, we would pretend to hallucinate...MOST girls our age were still playing with Barbies.
Both of us grew up to be heroin addicts. She recovered fully and will probably never do it again, although she does have an addiction to Vicodin (whether she is willing to admit that is another story) anyway, I just never really fit in.
Then one day in high school, I realized I was kind of pretty (despite my braces) and started dressing like a girl.
I've always been misunderstood..I "look" like a bitch therefore, people assume I am a bitch. I can't help it if I am "pretty" and "dress nice" I shop at thrift stores and GoodWill. I am completely humble and I don't care about much...I am probably one of the most easy going people I know. Trust me, I do have that inner psycho-bitch that EVERY girl is born with (whether you choose to harness it or not is YOUR choice ;o) ) I just don't let "her" rule my life.
I choose my battles VERY carefully. Plus, I refuse to argue with somebody if I know I'm right. I mean, that's all that matters is that I know the truth, I could care less wether you believe me or think the same as I do.
Basically what I'm saying is, I think my addiction comes from wanting to experiment and I just LOVE the feeling of being loaded. No other reason. I had a great childhood. I wasn't molested, both my parents loved me, I never had anything traumatic happen to me...I just like being high. Period. That's it. ...and sometimes I think that's the worst kind of drug addict because there is no deeper meaning, nothing to fix or overcome..I just have to deal with NOT getting high.
I started this Blog because I want people to know THE REAL me.. well, atleast the "ME" inside my head when I'm alone. I don't think people "get" me. Even my ex boyfriends say "I don't get you" and to ME that is THE WORST thing you could ever tell somebody that you are with. It's like..if you don't "get me" why the hell are you with me? I want somebody who "GETS MEEEEE" Even just a friend.
There is one person that I think knows me, gets me, and loves me NO MATTER WHAT and that was my friend "Olive". She and I are on a hiatus right now due to my addiction. I completely understand, she has a family she needs to protect. I wouldn't want a drug addict around my newborn either. I know that once I achieve sobriety we will reunite. Which is all the more reason for me to want to recover.
I know I can recover and become Amy again. I just have to MAKE myself. I think having this blog is going to help. My doctor said the more people I have depending on me to get clean, the easier it will be because it is more people I don't want to let down. Which is completely true! the worst thing to me is letting somebody down.
My treatment program is a little different than the average person. I decided to go to my family doctor. <---another blog.
Always listen to your mutha and prioritize!
Today my mom is going to help me get my license back. I don't know what I would do without her. She has bailed me out of every sticky situation I've ever gotten into. (not that it's been too many, just a few.) In the midst of my addiction, my priorities obviously were not in the correct order or even CLOSE to being in ANY relevant order;
Now, I know that 3 days doesn't sound like very much but to an addict, or me who thinks about getting high 90% of the day. Three days is a VERY long time and a VERY good start to sobriety. Since I already got high one day, I might as well get high today too...and the next, and the next..it's hard to find a stopping point. I finally once again decided to stop. I haven't used since Monday. It's now Wednesday. 2 days...I can do this. I hope tomorrow I can tell you I remained sober.
- Drugs
- Food
- "Fun"
- Dog
- Matt
- Family
- Work
- Showering
- Chores/Cleaning
- Bills
Now, I know that 3 days doesn't sound like very much but to an addict, or me who thinks about getting high 90% of the day. Three days is a VERY long time and a VERY good start to sobriety. Since I already got high one day, I might as well get high today too...and the next, and the next..it's hard to find a stopping point. I finally once again decided to stop. I haven't used since Monday. It's now Wednesday. 2 days...I can do this. I hope tomorrow I can tell you I remained sober.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
My "first" time...
I guess I should start at the beginning eh? I was 21, somewhat forced into marrying my highschool sweetheart/Marine,living in 29 Palms California a Military town
and hating every minute of it. I didn't work and I didn't have any friends down
there. My ex was constantly on my case about finding a job. The truth was
I didn't think I was good enough to work anywhere. I didn't WANT a job.
That was one of the MAJOR differences between us, I didn't care much about
money, and his world REVOLVED around money. It was because both of us came from completely different financial backgrounds. Anyhow, I was always still in love
with my first TRUE love...Matthew. When my husband left for Iraq I moved back
to (my hometown) Oregon and I started "seeing" Matt. He has always had an addiction to pills and opiates. I have seen him taking pills since I met him *in 1998, never had I known or seen him do heroin. The way it made them act and the way it LOOKED like it made them feel, I immediately wanted to try it. I passed the first few times they offered just because that was the one drug that (to me) always seemed the most "hardcore." I had already smoked pot, tried mushrooms and extasy, but I was always most afraid of heroin and acid. I don't know what made me finally try it, but eventually I asked to have a "hit", they were smoking it off tin foil. My first hit felt soooooo amazing. I was beyond loaded and I loved it. From then on I occasionally smoked it. I moved into my own apartment with the help of my ex husband (at the time we were still married) He had given me permission to use his checkbook and write one $300.00 check a month to pay for half of my rent. Well, that was all good at first, until my craving for heroin came into play. I was writing a $200.00 check every week, sometimes twice a week to pay for mine and Matts drug habit. At the time I didn't realize how addicted we were, because I just LIKED doing it, I didn't feel addicted and wasn't trying to bury my problems. I wish I would have seen THE BIG PICTURE, because Matthew was. In the midst of our drug induced "relationship" Matthew was writing bad checks. He was telling me he was doing work for his grandma and she was giving him $150-$300.00 checks every other day almost. I DEFINITELY thought it was a little strange, but I went along with it because I wanted to get high! Eventually it all caught up to us. The banks questioned his grandma about the money and she didn't know anything about it,(obviously) therefore, the police got involved. I was arrested at my work. (how embarrassing) I told them the truth, and they told me that if I told them where Matt was, they would let me go...so I did. I have never told a single soul about "ratting" my "boyfriend" out until just now...phew..
We had spent over $5,000.00 of my ex's money and about $2,000.00 of Matts grandmas' money. That is ALOT of heroin. He ended up going to prison for a year and a half and got clean while doing his time. I was able to stop doing herion with NO problems, I moved back to Cali to be with my "husband" and then we decided to get divorced.
Now it's 2012 and I find myself in the pit of my Heroin Addiction. It has consumed my life and I am struggling to get it back...
and hating every minute of it. I didn't work and I didn't have any friends down
there. My ex was constantly on my case about finding a job. The truth was
I didn't think I was good enough to work anywhere. I didn't WANT a job.
That was one of the MAJOR differences between us, I didn't care much about
money, and his world REVOLVED around money. It was because both of us came from completely different financial backgrounds. Anyhow, I was always still in love
with my first TRUE love...Matthew. When my husband left for Iraq I moved back
to (my hometown) Oregon and I started "seeing" Matt. He has always had an addiction to pills and opiates. I have seen him taking pills since I met him *in 1998, never had I known or seen him do heroin. The way it made them act and the way it LOOKED like it made them feel, I immediately wanted to try it. I passed the first few times they offered just because that was the one drug that (to me) always seemed the most "hardcore." I had already smoked pot, tried mushrooms and extasy, but I was always most afraid of heroin and acid. I don't know what made me finally try it, but eventually I asked to have a "hit", they were smoking it off tin foil. My first hit felt soooooo amazing. I was beyond loaded and I loved it. From then on I occasionally smoked it. I moved into my own apartment with the help of my ex husband (at the time we were still married) He had given me permission to use his checkbook and write one $300.00 check a month to pay for half of my rent. Well, that was all good at first, until my craving for heroin came into play. I was writing a $200.00 check every week, sometimes twice a week to pay for mine and Matts drug habit. At the time I didn't realize how addicted we were, because I just LIKED doing it, I didn't feel addicted and wasn't trying to bury my problems. I wish I would have seen THE BIG PICTURE, because Matthew was. In the midst of our drug induced "relationship" Matthew was writing bad checks. He was telling me he was doing work for his grandma and she was giving him $150-$300.00 checks every other day almost. I DEFINITELY thought it was a little strange, but I went along with it because I wanted to get high! Eventually it all caught up to us. The banks questioned his grandma about the money and she didn't know anything about it,(obviously) therefore, the police got involved. I was arrested at my work. (how embarrassing) I told them the truth, and they told me that if I told them where Matt was, they would let me go...so I did. I have never told a single soul about "ratting" my "boyfriend" out until just now...phew..
We had spent over $5,000.00 of my ex's money and about $2,000.00 of Matts grandmas' money. That is ALOT of heroin. He ended up going to prison for a year and a half and got clean while doing his time. I was able to stop doing herion with NO problems, I moved back to Cali to be with my "husband" and then we decided to get divorced.
Now it's 2012 and I find myself in the pit of my Heroin Addiction. It has consumed my life and I am struggling to get it back...
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